Musings from the Moon

Submitted by: LISA

ALL SMILES

(The sextuplets visit the dentist for another cleaning and check up. Will they all remain calm in the chair or will there be a repeat of prior checkups? Also, Mady and Cara visit the orthodontist for the first time to find out if they both need braces.)

Hold on just a minute! Is this a repeat? Haven’t we been treated to a dental office trip before? Do we really need to revisit this?

I will say I was thankful that once again the episode was only ½ hour long but when it was finally over I myself felt the need for a shot of Novocain, tequila chaser.

I came to the conclusion the only reason for a second episode featuring the dentist was so when ‘the cost of braces’ comes up during church talks, the Love Offerings will continue to pour in. And definitely helps to keep the sale of $20 photos going.

So, we begin with Kate explaining this is a 6 month checkup and that yes, indeed, she takes all 6 of them at once, or else “I’d be at the dentist every week”. Ah, no, no you wouldn’t. But then we are all aware of Kate’s need for dramatizing and over exaggerating every circumstance in her life.

Oh, and the reason Hannie (who now also goes by Muffie) is on the couch with her parents is because she was ‘major missing’ her mom. Sorry Jon, she wasn’t missing you.

And as we also know, Hannie generally gets her way instead of being told that this is mommy and daddy’s camera time. Giving into children only makes for more problems down the road, but Kate seems clueless to this bit of parenting. Personally, I’m fine with it because it’s not my ass that’ll be bit by a bunch of unruly teenagers!

One of the girl tups ( sorry, I watch the show but don’t feel the need to remember which kid is which) is asked if she brushes her teeth. She chirps up, “Daddy does” and then seems to remember she has messed up that line so corrects herself and says, “Mommy does”. And anyone who watches the show knows it is Jon who does the tooth brushing.

And bigger question, why aren’t 4 and ½ year olds at least given the opportunity to start the brushing process and then have a parent finish it up?

Oh, right, because it’s easier for Kate to have Jon do it.

We finally get to the dental office and the circus performers troop in. Kate immediately is seen telling them there will be time out’s if they don’t behave appropriately. The kids actually seem to take this to heart which can only mean Kate is finally, after 4 years, attempting to control the wild Indian behavior in her kids when they are out in public. About time is all I can say.

The kids are marched back to the chairs. Three will go at a time, while the other three get to sit and observe. I think I would have kept the waiting three as far away as possible from the in the chair three, on the off chance someone had a meltdown and freaked out the rest of the kids. Fortunately there were no meltdowns this time, even though comfort blankies were brought along just in case.

Kate does have to have a word with the dentist about a book in her waiting room. Pluto isn’t a planet any longer after all, a fact Kate seems very proud of knowing. She says she will have to “condemn” the dentist for having said book in the waiting room!! Okay. Kate? You had me at Pluto isn’t a planet anymore, but you should have kept your pie hole shut at that point, because once again you make yourself look less than smart. DO NOT try to use big words Kate. It doesn’t work for you honey!!

The kids get to choose what flavor of paste they get their teeth cleaned with and I must admit the list is a bit overwhelming. What were there? Seventeen choices? Aadan seems confused by the multiple choice question and the tech asks if he likes Bubble Gum? Oh yeah, you betcha, he shakes his head yes.

Bubble Gum? I thought Kate didn’t allow the kids to have gum. Maybe he just “remembers’ he likes the flavor. Joel was cute asking for mango flavored, the only flavor NOT offered and we are reminded of the recent Hawaii trip. Bleech!

Back at the couch Kate is saying that the check up wasn’t really needed that much. The kids are 4 and ½ already, and then wistfully says: “How did that happen?” At which point I wanted to shout at the television and say: “It happened because you have been so busy orchestrating your and your entire families life that you haven’t taken the time to stop and actually enjoy a moment of your children’s lives. And, if you aren’t sure how they are all of a sudden are 4 and ½, don’t forget you have all those videos with the memories on them that you were too busy to make yourselves. Remember Kate?

The kids look cute wearing their sunglasses for their cleanings. One group of three down. Next group of three in the chairs. It was truly like an instant replay of the first three and totally unnecessary in my opinion, but was indeed a time filler.

Cut to the couch and Hannie was asked if it was fun? She is acting shy and not saying much. Jon starts to ask something about the dentist or the stickers they got and is abruptly ‘shhhushed’ by the Dominatrix. Kate then asks which flavor Hannie chose and she definitely isn’t into talking at this point. Kate has to point out to us that she is embarrassed.

I do have to say that the interaction between the dental office staff and the children was way more entertaining than any interactions I have seen lately of Kate with her own kids. How sad is that?

The dentist informs Kate that she finds no cavities or other problems but that the kids do need to brush better. Of course, this is all Jon’s fault and Kate makes certain to tell him he must do a better job. See, Kate? Just because you have two sets of toothbrushes scattered throughout the house doesn’t necessarily mean the job is being done correctly. It just means the job is being done. Much like a lot of your parenting skills. Just because you are a parent doesn’t necessarily mean you are doing a good job of it!

Commercial break and then it’s off to the orthodontist. I am assuming that the twins also went to a regular dental appointment and it was suggested they visit an orthodontist. I know I personally didn’t pop over to the orthodontist when I needed braces. Our dentist made that determination. And yet, since Kate wore braces for a period of time, she would now be an expert on the subject of who does and doesn’t need braces. Perhaps there is a book on Orthodontia in the works?

On the couch Kate drones on about knowing Mady is going to have issues with her teeth. She knows Mady would need major…major….major….major…MAJOR work. Five times in a row, Kate says major. I kid you not. Kate wonders if the tooth fairy is rearranging Mady’s teeth at night. HUH? And then once more, for emphasis, Kate says Mady will need MAJOR intervention. Yes, Doctor of Dental Science Gosselin, we got it!

Neither Mady nor Cara seem too excited about being there. Neither wants to have x-rays taken first. Neither wants to see the dentist first. They both get pissy about it. At which point Kate says, “I think they were both excited!!” Something about kids in their class getting braces. Hey Kate? Just because someone else is doing something or has something doesn’t mean you have to do it or have it……….oh wait. What am I saying? That is Kate’s sole motivation in everything she does! Well, really, it’s God‘s motivation I guess.

Cara finally goes first. Cut to couch and Kate talking about her time in braces and how it has changed the shape of her jaw. She turns to Jon and says, as long as I look thinner, that’s all I care about! Not the fact that your teeth were corrected? Just about how you look? Is she for real?

We are told at least twice that the dentist is really good with kids and are friends of Jon’s family. Jon’s family has friends? And one can assume that Kate’s family has at least church friends. And Jon & Kate have……….right!……..the cameramen. Because once again, Kate turns and says to the cameraman, “No one sang to me when I got my braces off!”, in reference to the ortho office lady saying she sings when braces come off. How does this woman manage to make everything about her? Mothers by nature are sharers Kate, something you really need to get a handle on!

There is a tour of the office. The consultation is held. Mady doesn’t like her teeth. Kate laughs….LAUGHS, because the review of Mady’s x-rays “take a reallllll-y looooon-g time”. Cara has bite issues. Cara does an acceptable job brushing. Mady? Not so much. Kate says she wishes she could still brush the twins teeth so they would be better brushed. Hey Kate? Teach them how to brush and then let them do it!

We learn Mady has two options for correction. Either a retainer or limited braces, maybe 10 months. Okay. I had to wear braces for nearly 4 years. That would be MAJOR (times 5!). Kate is sure that Mady is going to need MAJOR intervention. Ten months is not MAJOR. Not by a long shot. Again over dramatize it Kate. Exaggerate. Embarrass the hell out of your daughter on national television. It isn’t that kid’s teeth that are going to need an intervention, it’s her head! And hey, for future reference, wearing braces does not an orthopedist make, okay Kate? Try doing your job as a mom and let others do their job, got it?

Cara is okay for the time being. More than likely it will depend on how many of the tups need braces and whether the Love Offerings are still rolling in at that point. Keep your fingers crossed Cara!

The End.

So, what are we left with? Another episode of memories that Mady will have so she can again watch her mother belittle her on television. I can see it all now. The kids at school calling her “Major Mady”. Perhaps preferable to “Daughter of Psycho Mom”.